Day 19- someone you wish you could be

Well I can't write this letter...I just don't think I could if I tried, mabey 4 years ago I could. 4 years ago I wanted to be anyone but me...but today......today I like me...even somedays I love me. I used to hate everything about myself and I found everyflaw when I looked in the mirror. You know today I looked in the mirror and I found 3 attributes I liked about my face automaticly. Without even bothering to look for any flaws. I don't like who I used to be. I don't like what I did. But in the last 4 years I have done a lot of work on becoming someone that I am proud to be. Because if I'm not proud of myself how can I accept or even believe someone elses pride in me. Yes I have flaws that I work on. I am in no way perfect. But I no longer fawn away wishing I was somebody else. I am kind of a big deal...if you havnt heard me tell you yet. I have grown and acomplished an amount of mental sanity I didn't dream possible before. I eat healthier, I practice compassion, I strive for financial responsibility...hell I'm even law abiding now and honest. My heart has become warm again. So for me to try and write a letter to the person I wish I could be....well i'd just be writing a letter that sounded like this.....


Dear Me,

Your kind of a big deal!

That is all

Love Me

Day 17- someone from your childhood

Dear Taylor Neese,

You were a very mean boy! Your called me one dollar haircut girl and laughed at me while I walked home. I thought you were cute so it hurt my feelings more. I wonder if you even knew my name? We didn't have any classes together...not a big deal now I guess. Well just so you know my haircuts don't cost a dollar, never did. I have great hair! Guess my self image took a major downfall at that point. But I've crawled out of that hole. You can't effect me the way you did back then.I was always a tomboy, I hope your nicer now...

One dollar haircut girl

Day 15- someone who lives in a different state

Dear Qian,

Hey girl hey! I love you and miss you so much! I wish you would move back but I'm not mad you did. Love takes us many places and Brian is an amazing gy. Though I wish I could have made your wedding. Your so full of energy and positive light. I miss hanging out with you and just having girl talk. I miss working with you and going to the Twilight showings wiyh our t-shirts. Though I'm glad we have facebook to keep up with each others lives. I love your laugh and your confidence. Your so strong, more that you let on. Such a strong woman. Just let me know if Brian ever messes up...ill beat the snot out of him...hehe...love you sugar, your toxic and addicting. Can't wait to see you again!

Love Alexsey or I should say Katia..ha!

Day 15- someone you miss the most

Well since my phone got smashed and that's how I do this blog I missed 2 days,,so I'm just going to pick up where I woukd be.

I could go with people.but in reality I miss an animal. Two animals actually. I miss my Ozzy more than I can explain but ill never get to see him again till I pass on. But Katie..my dear Katiegur..this is for her.


Dear Katiegurl,

Your not a human, your a horse. So you'll never read this or even understand how much I miss you. I know your happy and being taken care of. I wonder if you ever miss me, or if you even remember me. Seems stupid that I would write this letter to a horse, but you gave me so much peace, Katie. I can't explain how much I miss that peace. I remember when you were out in the pasture sprawled out like a foal. You were just laying there. I thought something was wrong, that you might be colicing again. So I went out to you. You lifted your head and just looked at me. When I sat down next to you, you put your head in my lap and went to sleep. You took a nap in my lap. It was something that just affirmed our bond. Trust like that is hard to come by. For those that don't understand the mental mechanics of the equine. Horses are flight animals. That's why they sleep standing up at night most of the time. If the sense danger or the posibility of anything the run. The fact that you stayed laying down and put your head in my lap to rest ment so much to me. You had no fear, no worries around me and it warmed my heart. I felt like you were the only thing I could find comfort in. But you weren't enough to keep me sane. I love you Katie, when I sold you I slept with your halter for months. I thought about going to see you, but I could never follow through with it. I guess just knowing that I wouldn't be able to take you back with me would crush me. They said your the best horse they've ever had. Didn't have to tell me that...I knew that already. Last I talked to them a few years ago, he said he wanted to breed you. I wonder how many foals you've produced. Mabey one day I could find one and have a little piece of you back. I have a place to keep him. Just not the finances...I'm tearing up right now..its crazy that a horse could have this kind of emotional affect on me. I went through a hard road Katie, I'm glad I didn't have to put you through it, you never had to go malnurished or abused. I knew I had to let you go so you wouldn't be hurt. It was hard....but it was the right thing. I hope I can find the strength to see you again Katie. Cause I've never stopped missing you. I miss your peace, I miss your smell. I miss climing on your back and just laying there feeling you breath while you grazed and Grandaddy yelling at me to get off cause you might take off and i'd fall. I knew you wouldn't though. Your an amazing animal Katiegurl....I miss you


Love with all my heart
Alexsey

Day 12- Person you hate most/has caused you alot of pain

Dear Nick,

You disgust me. Though I can't really say I hate you. I try not to hate anyone. But you used me. I was innocent and thought you really liked me. Yet you spun a web of lies and tangled me in you dispicable web. But I saw your true colors when you couldn't get what you wanted from me. You taught me what a boy will do to try and trick and use a girl. I'm glad I didn't fall too deep into your pit. I don't know when I'll ever forgive you, I fought a long battle over being accepted by a man because of you, but I'm a proud confident woman now and you will grovel at my feet one day and I'll step right over you. I pity any woman who falls into your trap. She deserves better. But I can hold my head up high knowing I will never be another notch on your headboard. Suck it!

I'd write a formality here but you don't deserve it

Day 11- a deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear Papa Jay,

I miss you. I wish I could have seen you again before you passed. I was 5 minutes too late. But you know that already huh? I'm sorry, I really wanted you to see me clean. I wanted you to be proud of me, I hope you are now. I just miss you, we all do

Love Alexsey

Day 10- someone you dont talk to as much as you'd like to

Dear Kat D.,

Your such an amazing person! I wish we hung out more. Ufortunatly I moved away and then you moved away. So now we are just both far away. It sucks cause I'm horrible with phone calls. I know you off doing great things in your life. I'm so prouf of you. Your filled with light and beauty and I'm proud to call you my friend. I love you girl. We need to have dinner sometime to catch up when your back in town

Love Alexsey

Day 9- Someone You Wish You Could Meet

How can I pick just one person really..I could go with someone famous, or I could go with someone important in history...or I could dig into my family tree...But there are two people that if I could meet them just once mabey I could have some peace.

Dear Blace and Suzanne,

I wish I could have met you. You died in my tummy when you were just little peanuts in my uterus. I guess I'll never really know if you two were actually girls. I guess I just had that feeling you were. It wasn't our time. Mommy couldn't take care of you then, I couldn't take care of myself very well. I wouldn't have been the best Mommy. But I would have (and still do) loved you. I carried a lot of pain when you girls died. I still do. But its getting better. I wish I could have held you, I wish I could have heard your first cries and held your tiny hands. Would you have looked like me..or your fathers. Blace your Daddy died a few years ago. He had blue eyes..I'm sure you would have too. Come to think of it, I guess you two are up there together. He loved you too. Tell Casey to take good care of you. Suzanne your father was a jerk and an a**, and he wouldn't have been in your life. Don't worry we wouldn't have needed him. I guess when Aleina was born she filled some of the hole you two left in my heart. She is so amazing, I wonder if you girls would have had the same personality. I still miss you..Aleina makes it easier. But I'll always think of you...just know that I loved you the minute I found out about you. I mourned you when you died and I will always wonder what could have been. I'll see you again one day and ill hold you till my arms give out, and even then we can just lay together and cuddle. I'll make up for all the years we missed. Watch over us...I love you girls!

Mommy

My favorite internet friend huh? Well I don't like to pick favorites cause it hurts peoples feelings. So this is to all my internet friends..DaDear Buddies!y Thank you for staying up late with me, thank you for encouraging my neerdy facinations and suporting my geekyness. I appreciate the ability to completly be myself8-Alexsey with lots of love! Your Favorite Internet Friend

Day 7- An Ex Boyfriend

Dear Travis,

Yea I'm writing you. I really don't understand what our relationship was or what it could have been. Its was all bad timing and circumstance. Don't get me wrong I'm grateful it ended, most likely it would have just been a long road of uncomfortablility and ended worse. I remember when we met. I called you Captain at work and told the groom shop you were my work eye candy. Ha! I was desperate for attention, I thought I needed your attention. When Brent and I ended I didn't set my sights on you it just kinda hapened. We were like two wounded souls who needed each others company. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me. I knew you were a heavy drinker and here I am trying to stay clean and away from it all. But you swooned me like a puppy. Those big ol eyes and sweet smile. Such a charmer. You were an escape I thought I could dabble in. But I knew after a time that I couldn't dabble in you for long. Mabey God just thought you needed me at that time. When Noah was born you were so close to breaking down completly. With the pressure Jackie was putting on you I just wanted to comfort you and then slap you in the face. But I knew it wasn't my place to involve myself in that situation so I tried to let you have your space. But in truth...the whole time I was with you I had a huge bout with my insecurities, I don't know if you know this but you are a major back hand complimenter. When I dyed my hair you said you liked it but I would be better a different color. That the cut was nice but I should go shorter next time...I mean really couldn't you have just said. It looks amazing your beautiful....I thought I had to get tanner, that I had to loose more weight...it was such pressure to keep myself looking good enough just to get a compliment from you. Sometimes I liked it when you drank because you would say nice things about me to other people. It was nice, but never ment to last. I fed into depression to much when I was with you and sabotaged our relationship. You weren't all at fault. But when I said I couldn't do it if you drank still...you chose Beer over me..you didn't come out and say it but you never stopped..so what does that tell you. I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't regret that we tried but I don't regret we ended either. I hope you find someone that is ment for you, I hope you find the joy of being a father that many men have. And I hope you learn to let go of the control and find a way to appreciate the woman your with and make her feel beautiful. Thank you for having faith in me and trusting my opinion with Harley. It made me smile inside everytime you came to me when he was hurt or sick. That showed me you respected my advice on a subject I'm working hard on making a career. Good Luck in Life Captain. Though I don't think its healthy we talk aymore, I do hope and pray for your happiness and safety.

Love Alexsey

P.S. Thanks for finally stopping the drunk dialing..Byron was getting annoyed

Day 6- A Stranger

Dear Matt the Camel Guy,

You don't know me, so of cource you don't know my enthusiasm about animals much less my deep dire need to feed your camels. I'm sure you get idiots all the time asking to pet the camels or wanting free stuff. Its prolly really annoying and when you saw me approach, corndog in hand. I'm sure you wanted to roll your eyes and duck under a bush. But seriously...really...I'm not one of those quaks I promise! I really just love animals and feeding the camels has become some kind of 'thing' for me. I have to....Yes you took Nick the camel from me...and I've forgiven you for it. Because you brought Goober...and I'm sure you hear it all the time. But Goober loves me. He really does. He saw me and we connected. He's my soul camel. Do you know what that's like to have a soul camel. You can make fun of me at your little tent but get used to seeing me. By the end of this rodeo we won't be strangers! I bought some carrots tonight and you'll be seeing me at least twice a day..I guarantee it! You can't keep me away from my camels! Feed into my obsession!

Alexsey the crazy funnel cake girl who wants to feed your camels

Day 5- Your Dreams

Dear Dreams,

I'm coming for you..that's right get ready. You are in my crosshairs and I'm gunning for you.

I used to dream and sit on my big butt thinking why isn't somebody knocking at my door providing these things for me? I made wrong selfish decisions and took myself down a completly opposite road. Then I got stagnant, I didn't think my dreams were possible to me. Well they ARE possible, you won't happen unless I take the steps to geth there. I believe in my heart and soul that you will be in my grasp one day and I can say I accomplished you. But the thing about dreams is they are basicly a faith walk. I had to develop some faith before I took off after you. My dreams will be realized one day..

Alexsey

Day 4- Your Sibling

Dear Macey Jean,

There is so much I want to say to you. But if I typed it out you might call me in a fury and demand it be taken down immediatly and I'm embarrasing you. So out of respect for you I will only say this. Learn from my mistakes, I'm proud of you, and I love you

Love Your Letty

Day 3- Your Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you guys. You raised me to the best of your abilities. You stayed strong together when I put you through hell and you loved me while holding your ground. Though I was angry at the time, I appreciate it so much now. You didn't enable me to do more damage at your home. I'm so so so sorry for what I put you through. I'm sorry for the pain and I'm sorry for the heartbreak. If I could take it back I would to spare you. But its what I had to go through and without your love and what you had instilled into my soul as a child. I may not have made it back to sanity. Even now as an adult I look to ya'll for guidance. Your my safe place. I hope I can be half the parent you are. You've accepted Byron and our family with open arms and have become some of the most loving, open minded, and accepting people I know. Your amazing grandparents and I'm so grateful that Aleina has you around to learn from. I hope I can make you proud, and even prouder as I continue to better my life. Your always there for me. If I need to vent or advice. I can come to you without hiding anything and have no fear of ridicule. I can't tell you how much I love ya'll. Or how thankful I am. You continuously prove to me how important I am to you. You've shown me what a marriage is. Thank you for your support and your love. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to repay you and making you proud.

Your incredibly Grateful, Thankful, and Loving Daughter
Alexsey

Day 2- Your Crush

Its hard for me to write this letter. What is a crush really? Someone you have a huge attraction to..or an infatuation with. Or someone you just want to stare at all day. Cause if that's the case...I guess Byron is my crush. Since he will prolly get another letter somewhere down the line in these letters. If I named everyone I have been infatuated with my whole life. The list would be too long and reveal how needy I was when I was younger so I'm just going to pick the longes one I had. As a very young girl I held a crush on one guy for 10 years. Yes 10 flippin years!

Dear Kasey Crosby,

I'm sorry it never worked out for us. Please pardon all my aqward moments. Even to this day I find it hard to form sentences around you. I can't say I ever loved you. I never got close enough to you even socially to figure out if that kind of love would develop. I don't know why I held out for 10 years thinking something could develop between us. I never had the courage to even go up and talk to you. Even in high school I told myself every year I would ask you to Sadi Hawkins. But I would always chicken out. Guess that says a lot for my self esteem. You were more popular and ran in a different crowd than me. Even at church you seemed unreachable to me. Though we had a lot of the same friends there. I guess its really pathetic of me. Like you were some movie star that I knew would never happen but still fawned after. When you started dating one of my very good friends, she came to me and asked me if it was ok. Like I had a say in it. But I won't lie, I was secretly jubilent when it ended between ya'll. As we got older past highschool, I saw the major differences in us come to life. We weren't compatable at all. I mean come on Your a Longhorn Fan and I' an Aggie Fan. How could that work. But even in all that I still believe that you are an amazing man that God has great plans for. You've touched many lives in the mission work you do and I believe you taught me how to give selflessly. So I guess I'm thankful we never gave it a go. God knows it prolly wouldn't have lasted long at all. Though my father told me all the time he would love you as a son. I think he considers you the son he never had. He encouraged my crush quite a bit. It seems ridiculous now how I fantasied one day you would confess your undying love for me and we would live happily ever after. Our families joined and we would be this model little christian family with our little blonde kids running around. But You are not the man God chose for me. Byron is. He knows me inside and out, like you never would be able to. Its nothing against you or wrong with you. Just and affirmation that I harbor no hard feelings or and remorse over this ridiculously long crush. I let it go a while ago. But I remain someone wo cares for you as a person and wishes the best for you. Because I know the great man you have become and how happy you will make your future wife.

Alexsey

Day 1- your best friend

Dear Lindsey,

Bet you didn't know this but you have become my best friend. I can share anything and everything with you. I come to you for motherly and relationship advice. I share my thoughts and my worries with you. You know my pain and my happiness. We don't live very close to each other but I cherish the time I get to spend with you and my nephew. Its really awesome to think of how we use to be. Just civil not really sharing any bond with each other. But when I sat down to write this, the only person I could think of that was truly my best friend. Was you. You tell me I'm crazy and ridiculous. You call me on my insanity. Buut you encourage me and love me. You have faith in me and let me know it too. I thank God your in my life and am so grateful that I can call you not only my sister but my best friend. Love you Rhea

Sue